Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk is a universal language darling
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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