onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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