I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
