she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
