I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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