help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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