I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
did i walk over a car last night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
