i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
