So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
