I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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