My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
