Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
