I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
