I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
