Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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