you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
