You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
