You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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