good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
