you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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