Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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