By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm really busy with my period
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