i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
