I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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