When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
