He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
