I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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