I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
