On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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