you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
