come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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