Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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