I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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