The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
