So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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