he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
