Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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