According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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