We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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