I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
