My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
