I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
