He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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