she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
