Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
