I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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