just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
