so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
