hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
