the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
