A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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