I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
