I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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