Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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